You Oneeyed Freak!
by Rensider
Summary: A one-shot depicting the beginning of Duke Nukem Forever. Rated M for manly.


**This a one-shot depicting the start of Duke Nukem Forever. It's not very impressive but it should make for a good read. Hope you enjoy!**

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><p>I do not own Duke Nukem.<p>

You One-eyed Freak!

A man clad in black boots, blue jeans, a red tank top, and black sunglasses stood over a urinal.

"This is taking forever!" he exclaimed, as he was taking a piss. "Time to stop pissing around and get this big guy back into action." He stood there for a good twenty seconds. "Whoa, that water's cold," he said as the urinal flushed itself and he zipped up his jeans.

He left the men's locker room and entered a large room with three EDF soldiers standing near a whiteboard. The man walked up to them and the one without a helmet, probably the commander, started explaining the plan that was drawn on the whiteboard to him. The plan dictated that EDF soldiers would rush in and attack the alien beast in the stadium. Duke looked at the board and said, "It's my way or - Hell, it's my way!" He grabbed the eraser and removed the black circles and arrows. He then picked up a marker and drew a crown with the words 'The King' written beneath it. He then looked at the alien and decided to get creative. The EDF soldiers watched as he drew what he was going to do to the alien. Once he was finished he took a step to the side, allowing them to get a clear view of it.

"Oh man, that is…I mean I don't understand any of it, but I bet if I did, that guy over there would still have his arm," the commander murmured, pointing to an armless soldier.

"And he would have his pulse." He pointed to a dead soldier next to the armless one.

Feeling his job was done, Duke ran past the whiteboard and came to a set of double doors. He kicked them open in time to see two EDF soldiers running past him. He walked through the door and saw several soldiers running into the stadium. He ran up to the entrance and saw the creature he was to face before it sent out a shockwave, collapsing the entrance. A soldier flew over his head after he was knocked down. He stood up, and ran down a flight of stairs a soldier was standing beside. After he descended, he ran down a hallway, past some soldiers, and into a dark area where some soldiers had just finished of some aliens. The lights flickered on and Duke ran up to the elevator where the alien corpses lay and picked up a Devastator.

The elevator slowly rose up, bringing Duke into the stadium. He held his weapon, ready for the ugly son of a bitch he was about to face.

The elevator stopped and he now stood in the stadium, face-to-face with the Cycloid Emperor.

It was raining heavily, with alien ships flying overhead, and shots could be seen being fired from the seats in the stadium.

"It's down to you and me, you one-eyed freak!" he shouted. The mechanical beast roared and began firing missiles from its clawed arms. Duke let loose with his Devastator's rockets as he dodged the Cycloid's missiles. They pounded the alien's thick hide, but, after a few seconds they suddenly stopped.

"Damn it!" Knowing he was out of ammo, he ran for some that he saw in the far left corner of the stadium. As he ran, the Cycloid continued to fire his missiles. Duke loaded the Devastator with the ammo and continued his barrage. The Cycloid strangely stopped firing its missiles. It then used some sort of propulsion device on its back to jet towards Duke. He easily dodged it though and continued his barrage; as did the Cycloid. It wasn't long before he ran out of ammo again. With none in sight he discarded his weapon.

"Looks like I'm gonna need to take you down with my fists." He cracked his knuckles and ran towards the alien. The Cycloid continued firing his missiles, but they were useless as Duke continued to evade them. Once up close, Duke jumped and landed on the Cycloid's head. He then moved onto his back before one of its clawed arms could grab him. He gripped the steel tubes on his back and began pulling them, hard. The Cycloid attempted to grab Duke again but before he could, Duke managed to pull the tubes out. Duke fell to the ground and the beast roared; it fell to the ground hard, causing its eye to come out of its socket. Duke stood up and dusted off his jeans. He then walked around the Cycloid and looked at its eye. He stepped back a good few metres and lined himself up. He then dashed towards the eyeball and kicked it, sending it flying across the field and through the goal posts.

"And it's good!" he shouted triumphantly. The words 'Duke Nukem Forever' appeared on screen in front of a torn American flag and a radiation symbol, and the credits started rolling.

The Duke sat in his mansion, holding a game controller in his hands.

"So, how was the game Duke? Was it any good?" A blonde girl in a school uniform asked him, as she wiped her mouth after giving him a blow job.

"Yeah, but after twelve fucking years, it should be!"

The end

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><p><strong>Please review!<strong>


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